Why did you stay?!
I thought my first post should be something close to home on this valentines day where there are celebrations all around of loving relationships. Luckily, I am now in one of those relationships but this is not thanks to growing up in a home where I have witnessed love between my parents and how marital relationships should be. Like 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men in the UK right now I am a domestic violence victim. Looking at statistics from the NSPCC 20% of children in the UK are witnesses to domestic violence. 90% of these are in the same or next room to the abuse. 62% of them are also directly harmed. I fall in to this statistic. I was six years old when the man I thought was my dad started physically and psychologically abusing my mum and I and then my two younger sisters. The question we are asked after 17 years of abuse, ‘why did you stay?’ Lets explore that a little shall we.‘I would have left long ago’, ‘I wouldn’t have put up with that’, ‘I wouldn’t have allowed that to happen’, ‘I would have done something back’. These are all really unhelpful and insensitive comments made by people with a lack of understanding. This makes us sound like we sat back and allowed it to happen. This makes us sound like we are weak people. Abusers TAKE control, whether you want them to have it or not and it is impossible to see an escape. When you grow up in this atmosphere you are raised believing that you could never prevail against the abuser. When you see the force behind them and following failed attempts to leave, you quickly start to believe that you will be stuck there in their grips forever and your own survival and protection of those you love is your best and safest option. In addition, physical strength pound on pound is not always easy to fight against. Our abuser was 6ft 4 and weighed over 20 stone. My mother, sisters and I are all under 5ft 3. When you have somebody of that height and weight hammering down with punches and kicks whilst you are on the floor and they have you by the hair it is not easy to get them to stop. On average, two women a week are murdered due to domestic violence. It is also the most quoted reason for becoming homeless as identified by Shelter. When you are a mother and have nobody to help you as your abuser has cut off every external resource including money, friends and family, you have nowhere to go and no way of building a home for yourself and your children, you struggle to see how it would in fact be possible. With him telling you that he will kill your children if you leave thrown in with 20 years of comments of ‘you’re worthless’, ‘you’ll end up in the gutter’, ‘nobody would ever help you’, and question whether it would actually make sense to stay in the relationship because you start to believe.
On average, there will be 35 assaults against a victim prior to the police being called according to lWA. You may think this number is high but I believe it is in fact much higher. My family and I encountered more assaults as individuals before the police were called by one of us. The narcissist that abused us was only arrested when we reached the worse case scenario and at the same time saw the first glimmer of opportunity- after threatening to kill us and my mother and I jumping from the car, he kidnapped my 12 year old sister who we failed to get hold of. The bravest, smartest and most beautiful 12 year old in the world. When you know, not think but know, that somebody's life is at risk, somebody who you love more than words can ever describe, that is when you know enough is enough and it is worth risking it all. We were lucky that due to his narcissistic mind and her smart behaviour she remained physically unharmed and he was found and arrested a few hours later. The time felt like a decade.
Following his arrest his loyal sheep stopped contact with us, he found a new partner very quickly and legally he has still not been dealt with (at the time of writing). He is out on bail- his bail date changed several times. Five months in and still no charge to his name whilst we wait for the CPS/ police/ solicitors to decide what he can be charged with due to the 'nature of his crime'. His crimes in the eyes of his victims: 17 years of mental, physical, emotional, financial abuse, coercive and controlling behaviour, child abuse, child neglect, kidnapping amongst others. He lives a five-minute walk away from my family who remain living on eggshells because he is still watching, being updated by others and lurking in reach to cause panic if he so wishes. It is not fair but we can 'call the police if he comes to the house'. That is not the only lack of support. You think that we get financial help? It is a fight everyday to prove why we need help. We have to explain over and over again why it is that he had full financial control. Legal fees- they don’t tell you about that either! Housing? On a waiting list. Psychological help for trauma caused? Find it yourself. Charities are there for help and trust me, victims need them. Funding is needed for these charities because they are the first stop for those in desperate need. They can advise and offer a map of possible help points en route to recovery.
During his reign of torment people saw and knew what was happening. His family and some friends were aware. Police had been called to the house previously by neighbours. We were seen by doctors, dermatologists, psychologists, teachers, surgeons, dyslexia assessors, child minders, colleagues, fellow students- the signs were there and inside we were screaming for help but people did not see or did not want to see. So my message for this post: before questioning why someone in an abusive relationship stayed in that hell, consider this, how strong are they for getting out with every monumental obstacle in their way and with only their own strength to support them? How strong are they for TAKING BACK some control? Unless you have been there I promise you that you do not fully understand. It is infuriating to have to defend ourselves. We are not weak people- we fought a battle every single day for years and still continue to do so with daily struggles and with psychological scars. Don’t cast blame or judgments on parents who have been protecting their children’s lives as well as their own for years and, only ask about it if you are prepared to help. Domestic violence stories are not entertainment and to those who judge- shame on you for not being wise enough to have the insight to understand.
http://www.lwa.org.uk
http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk
https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/resources-and-tools/search-navigation-tools/Search/?q=domestic+violence
